My name is Amna Ilyas and I am a 22-year-old (almost 23, hoping that my birthday is not ruined by this quarantine). I live with my two siblings (a brother and a sister), my parents, and for the time being my grandmother as well. I also have another married sister who lives in the city but I haven’t seen her and my niece and nephew ever since the lockdown was imposed.
I started hearing about coronavirus in January and initially it seemed like a very distant thing with no impact on my life. Even when the first case was reported in Pakistan, the seriousness of it did not hit me because my life was still as it was. I was really busy with my university and the pressurizing deadlines to think about it. However, when without any prior warnings the educational institutions were shut down, things started to seem pretty scary. I was still not aware of the seriousness though. I was a bit relieved to get a break from university (since initially it was just for two weeks). However, since it was neither expected nor planned there was a lot of confusion and chaos surrounding it. We had no idea whether we were expected to keep studying for our upcoming midterms and catch up on our missed out readings or whether there were no academic expectations from us at this point. The sudden change in routine, going from having no time for ourselves to having absolutely nothing to do, was extremely unnerving. When the Sindh government started taking measures to ensure that our region did not face the same fate as other countries, it started to feel closer to home than I had previously anticipated.
I feel anxious, scared, and uncertain when I constantly update myself on the news and when I see social media coverage of Covid 19. Social media has always been a source of escape for me; the funny relatable memes take my mind off things. However, in these circumstances, social media triggers my anxiety because almost everything on these forums is in one way or another related to Covid’19. It feels like the entire world has come to a halt; the busiest towns are now completely empty, for probably the first time ever circumambulation around Ka’abah has been halted, and all the big events around the world are being cancelled. All the adjustments made by the authorities to curb the spread of the virus have been really scary. Even though physically they have had no direct impact on me, the impact on my mental health is pretty direct. Eventually I realized I had to make a conscious choice to distance myself from the constant bombardment of the news. I knew the situation was pretty bad but I did not need to get an update every five minutes. I started keeping myself busy with activities like watching shows and movies, reading, and helping around the house. Since there were still no restrictions on social hangouts, I went out with my friends a couple of times in February. We took precautionary measures and decided to enjoy the break from university life.
This enjoyment was short-lived since the government decided to shut all the restaurants and impose a lockdown in March. I am not used to staying at home and the idea of not seeing my friends was extremely troubling. This was coupled with the constant pressure to be productive since now I had so much free time in my hands. This pressure was solely due to social comparison. I saw my friends trying to make most of their time by indulging in various activities whereas I could not think of creative ways to spend my time. There was absolutely no motivation to do any sort of work because life seemed so chaotic. There was no semblance of routine in my life and the momentum of university was broken. My teachers were also struggling because they did not want to waste any time and started online classes almost immediately but even those felt impossible to attend. The lack of attention and motivation brought about the feeling of guilt. I had to keep telling myself that I have to prioritize my mental health, give myself a break and redefine my definition of productivity. I thought of all the things that I had been neglecting because of a busy schedule. I started doing a lot of activities like reading books, cooking and baking, coloring, watching shows and movies, playing online games with my friends, and even joined an online course about photoshop.
There were some changes that we as a family had to adjust to. After the lockdown, we had a proper discussion about the added responsibility that everyone will have to take on themselves. House chores were divided amongst everyone and a freedom of choosing their own time to do the assigned work was given to everyone to ensure that no one feels burdened. It was also done to accommodate the different routines. My sister had to work from home and during her office hours she was not to be disturbed under any circumstances. My brother and I stayed up all night and therefore were not to be disturbed during the daytime. My mother had a hard time adjusting to this routine of ours but we had to make her understand that all our friends had the same routine and we could not miss out on the group activities during these hard times. My father is a man of routine and I have never once in my entire life seen him deter from his daily routine even slightly. He also faced a great deal of difficulty in adjusting to the new lifestyle and we had to give him his time and space. We all give each other space but also spend time together. Every evening is spent together on our roof where we talk about all kinds of things and listen to songs. We try to avoid talking about the topics which might dampen our moods.
There are a lot of things I miss during these times. I miss having a proper busy routine because I always had something to do. I miss going out and meeting my friends on a daily basis. I miss ordering food at home or going out for dine-ins. I miss my niece and nephew. I miss university and being present in actual classes. I really hope that this quarantine period ends soon and before we all lose hope and our sanity.
Amna Ilyas
April 19, 2020, Karachi
